Now we get drinks with our meals

But I’m not trying to fit a skinnier body 

Into tinier jeans

To make you feel something 

I am safe in my orderings

My eatings and my wants and my needs

I am safe in my home body

And pouring coffee on the pain

It’s my gay summer of drinking cold brew in our landlords finely gardened backyard 

It’s not my world that’s changed but my mindset 

That I am doing more than I know

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I gave up drinking 

Because I am no longer only in survival 

I am working on care

I don’t get lost in my loneliness

Fall short of being my own best friend

Accountable to my own heart beat

My own wants and needs

I hurt less than I have before 

I am open to gentleness 

That I have always contained 

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When you left I forgot how our bodies

could talk how it wasn’t only words

but a sense, a feeling 

I always want to know you more 

But I am constantly brought back to the

sweetness that lives in your spine 

That’s your breath when your sleeping 

That hides in the emodiment of our needs

And how we share those with one another

it’s abilist of me to think we always need to talk 

that there is not a million other ways to communicate 

That you are not tender too 

We make messes and clean them up 

I am not here for long tails of nothingness 

But to lay in summer grass

Twigs and bugs

And daydream with you 

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I’ve never had a messy car

Never had a car long enough to make a mess 

To show people that mess

And The car 

obviously represent my relationships

the mess

My inability to stay and be stable

To share and to show 

Maybe I am not as afraid as I think I am 

And I gloat to know the fact that I could be afraid and I am not 

But do nothing with that

What chances have I taken recently

I’ve been scratching my nose until it bleeds 

And still say I’m not anxious

I am

And have been taking the meds

And trying to live

But what sits

In my core

Is rotting knots

That keeping tying themselves

Around unseeded thoughts

And frail security

I am trying to outgrow

What is perceived 

But I find it so hard to do something just for fun

Like not everyone is watching

And it counts for something 

Beyond my own joy

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